Indigo Nine: Alchemy of the sexual union

Indigo Nine: Alchemy of the sexual union

Indigo Nine: Alchemy of the sexual union

Indigo Nine: Alchemy of the sexual union

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I ask myself why I react so personally to a friend hurting themselves. I get angry, scared, and deeply sad all at once. Extreme bubblng of feelings come spraying to my surface. I first feel shock and paralysis then anxiety, but then it turns into a deep silent, stay away from me, hurt.

Apparently, you know nothing of Love..if you don't understand why someone could take something to be as if it had been done to them....I feel deeply wounded when I see just how careless one can be...the first time I realize how reckless they are.. that they are willing to risk their life in the most selfish and destructive of ways. It brings out the fear in me..that they could scare me so...How Dare they! How dare you do this to yourself. And, now I am left feeling, feeling so hurt and betrayed...

I know, do I really have a right to feel this..no..but i take it as though someone directly almost purposely did this to hurt me...

..No...no i know what this is...I care too much for them, my heart is so open to loving them...that it is a direct blow when something bad happens to them, I am angry that they can scare me so...
Scare me to fear for their life, for possibly losing them.

Here I am, in the situation I most feared of daring to let myself get put in. Now I must create a life for myself out of the prison that was created for me..which I allowed myself to be put in..

It seems September is always a very hard month for me. When I look back at what I was going through around this very time last year it becomes most clear.. I think though this Fall will be still better than lasts years ever was, even without the love and home stability that I thought I had...

I will use this blog to track my progress...to help me slowly unfold all my layers that I've been hiding from myself...and others..for too long..whatever it takes to get me to start bleeding more regularly..anything to get the blood flowing effortlessly..